It may be a little late for New Year’s resolutions, but not as late as Tesla’s full self-driving mode! Given Elon Musk’s habit of missing deadlines, January 11 is New Year’s Day in “Elon time.” (There’s even an online calculator that converts Elon-speak into terrestrial time.)
Since last we spoke, America’s #1 tax-paying billionaire beat out the creators of life-saving vaccines and frontline healthcare workers to be declared Time’s Person of the Year! To prepare for his cover shoot, this self-made man worth a quarter of a trillion dollars cut his own hair.
— Also, Tesla celebrated record deliveries in the 4th quarter, making it abundantly clear that the company has mastered supply chain issues while traditional carmakers have closed factories. At the same time, Elon tweeted that the price of Full Self-Driving (FSD) is going up, even though it’s still not fully self-driving.
The Boring Company hoped to be The Exciting Company™ at CES in Las Vegas, billed as a quick way to avoid traffic. “The average ride time was less than 2 minutes and the average wait time was less than 15 seconds,” the company says. Um, really?
— He paid his taxes.
— He may be born again.
As I always say, he’s not like the rest of us. Still, January is a great time to take stock and focus on change where change is needed. Or ignore change because you’re Elon Reeve Musk! YOU don’t need to change. You ARE the change.
With that in mind, here are some potential “resolutions” that our one-man Thomas Edison-Steve Jobs-Princess Diana-Booker T. Washington-Leonardo DaVinci-Madame Curie-Jesus Christ-Timothy Leary might make for himself.
1. SPACE GO BOOM! In 2022, I will finally hit something in orbit. My chances increase this year as I launch more satellites for Starlink and keep rivals in the dark about my collision-avoidance algorithm. I nearly succeeded in colliding with something in 2021 (twice!), but that involved Chinese astronauts — a huge mistake on my part. The one guy who’s more powerful than I am is Xi Jinping. That dude legit scares me.
2. TOO BAD, SUCKERS! Make sure to hoover up any remaining subsidies in every industry so no one else ever gets one.
3. WHO'S THE BOSS? Put other billionaires in their place to show them who’s Numero Uno. Hack into Zuck’s hydrofoil. Pants Buffett. Manipulate Oprah to boost sales (“You get a rocket, and you get a rocket, and... ”). Mock Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson, who may have gotten into space before me, but it wasn’t really space. It was near-earth orbit, which is for p*ssies. Me? I’m gonna ride a rocket like Doge to the Moon! Or Mars... after I let a bunch of other chumps (and chimps) go first.
4. KICK SOME JUR-ASS-IC! I resolve this year to use Neuralink to breed dinosaurs and open a real Jurassic Park. My buddy Max says it’s possible, and why not? Disney charges families $4 trillion a day at the Magic Kingdom. I can do the same and use subsidies to pay for it. Let’s “disrupt” Mickey with a taxpayer-supported T-rex.
5. XI-SUS H. CHRIST! I plan to open more Tesla stores in regions of China where ethnic minorities are reportedly being rounded up and forced into indoctrination camps. That’ll make Xi happy and keep him off my Jur-a**.
6. F-U-SD! Since FSD will never be fully self-driving, so I’m gonna rename it “Full Selfie Driving.” Then I’ll divert even more attention away from FSD by adding “LSD.” Driving will be a TRIP!™
7. YOLO, BEYATCHES! Add more games to Tesla’s Passenger Play. Ofc, “the games cannot be played while the car is in motion,” but they can be played in LSD mode.
8. HEY GRRRRL. Go on “The Bachelor.” Double date with Bill Gates. Move on from Grimes to someone named Mold. Keep the Kim Jong-un haircut.
10. ENRAGE ELIZABETH. Sell an NFT of "Senator Karen" to cover my next tax bill.
... oh, wait. Somebody already made one.
Cover image: Drew Angerer, Getty Images.
— Shoutouts to Todd Bonin and Joseph Giuliano for their contributions.